If the Characters from "Harry Potter" Went to the Bar: and Other Assumptions

I am a self-proclaimed nerd and proud of it. My claim to fame is supported by the fact that I have read the entire Harry Potter series seven times through, my family and I have participated in the midnight premieres and book signings of the movies dressed as the characters and refusing to break character (pictured: below), and I currently hold the title of the "Second Best in Harry Potter Trivia for November 2015," on QuizUp, which yes, is still relevant, and totally something to brag about.

I, like every other 11 year old on Earth who knows about the wonderful and mystical place that is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was DEVASTATED when I didn't receive my invitation to learn the magical trade. I am still utterly convinced that it got lost in the mail, but whatever, movin' on.

Because I am so intrigued by the wizarding world and even more emotionally involved with the character's lives, I often find myself thinking, "What would it be like to straight chill with the Harry Potter characters?"

Since I am of age (cheers to legality) I would appreciate nothing more than to go to a bar and just get absolutely hammered with the characters that we all love so much and hear their drunken renditions of the adventures that they have been on.

So if you've also found yourself wondering what it would be like to get drunk with the Hogwarts crew, I present to you, what I believe each character's drink of choice would be:

Harry Potter

The Boy Who Lived, The Chosen One, Undesirable Number One, defender of the Wizarding World and the ultimate defeater of the Dark Lord, isn't playing games when he goes out. He doesn't like to mess around with any complicated, fruity mixed drinks or hard liquor drinks. That's why his go-to drink is a Stella Artois, served in a bottle. Simplicity is what he craves after such a complex adolescence and this famous pilsner matches the bill. Also can't you just see Harry saying, "I'll have a Stella" In his British accent? Cause I totally can.

Ron Weasley

Ronald Weasley, the ultimate Beta to Harry Potter's Alpha, would be ordering a Whiskey Ginger. I don't say this in a hair color-ist way, but because it's totally accurate. Ron wants to seem more hard core for his wild older brothers while still keeping a dignified appearance for his devoted wife, Hermione. After a couple of rounds, Ron is the type who starts asking to try and mooch off of everyone else's drinks, and ends up angry and drunk with the potential of punching a wall in his very near future.

Hermione Granger

The knowledgeable Hermione would most likely think that going out to drink for fun would be a waste of time, that should be spent reading and nagging her husband, Ronald. But she still tags along and can be found; rolling her eyes occasionally, correcting people, talking about the rights and suppression of House-elves, and looking disdainfully upon those who are overindulging. To match her "I'm above drinking to get drunk" attitude, she would be that person who orders a glass of Cabernet Sauvigon at the bar. While the bar still holds this drink for the rare occassion that this is actually ordered, they carry it more so to be ironic than to serve it.

Rubeus Hagrid

While we all know that Hagrid has a tendency to drink barrels of mead, and it would be a common assumption that he would be a heavy beer drinker, I have to beg to differ. I truly believe that if Hagrid were to come to an American bar and choose any drink to gulp down, it would be one of the most American drinks out there, that is reserved for individuals who might be described as "rough around the edges," and have an appreciation for earthy flavors. That's why Hagrid is chugging Moonshine. Because of his burly stature, it takes about 7 full mason jars before he even begins to feel the alcohol's effects, but before you know it, he is crying and singing along to all of the songs that are playing in the bar, very loudly and very off-key.

Ginny Weasley

We all know that literature-Ginny is a bad ass bitch and she doesn't back down from anyone, especially Death Eaters. So you know that girl is definitely taking Fireball shots, no chaser.

This is unless you are sitting down at the bar with movie-Ginny, who was not portrayed to be as independent and hardcore as she is in the books. This Ginny will probably be serving as the DD and drinking something lame, like water.

Fred and George Weasley

Is it really even a question as to what this dynamic duo is drinking? Clearly these two are taking shots of Tequila. After the salt, shot, lime combo X 10, they can be found dancing on the bar, with lampshades on their heads (where did they get the lampshades from?!), leading a congo line around the room, and flinging ton-tongue toffees everywhere.

Basically getting drunk with the Weasley twins is both a dangerous and extremely entertaining experience.

(R.I.P. Fred. We miss you and your humor.)

Luna Lovegood

Luna is the oddball of the infamous Harry Potter Crew, but I still wonder what it would be like to drink heavily with her. Luna is the girl that you meet in the line to the bathroom that gives you the most insightful advice on what to do about the situation of your life that you are currently obsessing over.

Even though Luna doesn't need a drink to make her insightful, she indulges in the "hangover cure drink" known as the Bloody Mary, while substituting the celery stalk for a radish, solely for nostalgic reasons and as a head nod towards her father, Xenophilius' attempt at replicating the diadem of her own head of house, Rowena Ravenclaw.

Neville Longbottom

While Neville began as an awkward youth with a severe fear of basically everything, he grew into a brave and super attractive guy who we now admire for his extensive knowledge of magical plants and for being the destroyer of the sixth horcrux. So to match his new, strong, manly persona, he is ordering a Rum and Coke. This drink says, "I like playing dirty but I also have a soft side." Mr. Longbottom is the type to "cheers" to something new (Harry Potter, Mandrakes, his Grandmother, etc.) everytime a new round is brought and we all simultaneously cheers with him.

Draco Malfoy

Draco will never admit to having a "good" side. That is why this Slytherin will be drinking Creme de Menthe, straight, to offset the criticism of everyone else in attendance. This alcoholic beverage is green in color (colour) which makes it ominous and mysterious in appearance and very Slytherin-esque. Since we all know that Draco is actually a giant wimp, it is not a surprise that this drink is minty in flavor with no bite, matching his plush interior. Yet we would never admit that we know this, out of fear of his father and relation to the Dark Lord.

Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle

Crabbe and Goyle are known to be the dunces of Hogwarts. They are Draco Malfoy's personal "caddies" whose brain capacities are about the size of a Golden snitch, so it should come as no surprise that they are ordering the most generic and bland thing on the menu. Busch Light is the drink that comes to mind when I think of these two, because they are basically the jerk fraternity pledges that you run into freshman year of college that you wish to never meet again and that actually think that Busch Light is a luxury drink. AKA don't drink or fraternize with Slytherins.

Albus Dumbledore

Wise Dumbledore, the long time owner of the Elder wand and most acclaimed headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, would definitely order a drink that is as dignified as he is, while still maintaining his humble persona. That's why good ol' Dumble would definitely order a Dirty Martini. Martinis are for the wise classy while the olive brine suggests that this person enjoys the more daring flavors (flavours) of life, which makes this drink so appropriate for Albus.

(R.I.P. We miss you and your wisdom.)

(Tom Riddle) Voldemort

Obviously I have never actually imagined getting a drink with Voldemort, but I can't leave him out of this post. Voldemort, being the evil soul that he is would only be drinking only the most evil of drinks: Absinthe. This deadly drink, also known on the streets as "Sinister," is chosen by those who don't have a conscience and don't mind the potential repurcussions that could happen when you wake up at three in the morning not knowing where you are, what you did, or how you got there.

There really is no more explanation needed for this, because it's a known fact that this particular choice of alcohol is terrible and should be taken with extreme caution, exactly like Voldy here.

R.I.P. aka Rest In Pieces (lol, get it?)

Cheers, Mates.